Today is my school day, which means that from 545a to 1030p or so I am gone. My son wakes up at 630ish and goes to bed at 8 or 830 and so these days stink because I don’t get to see him. When I started my masters degree it was at a school where I could go for free and I had a low-paying job that I hated, so it was pretty clear that when I was done it would be an easy transition to the world of counseling/therapy.
then I moved out to *the* oc and got a job that pays much, much more and also moved schools to a school that I have to pay much, much more. I love the counseling program so much and I always meet exceptional people and form bonds that are really intimate and strong. But today I decided to stay home from school and pick up my son instead. we went to the park where I got to watch him play for an hour—it’s this really cute park at the top of a hill which overlooks the town we live in.
When we got home we got to go have dinner with my wife at a tasty little thai food place. We came home and Sam had a bath and I got to listen to the great things he had to say (“did you eat that gum?” ”no!” “well where is it?” “it’s down in my tummy”)…. he asked my wife to wrap him up like a burrito in his towel and i pretended to devour him and then he pretended to devour me and then we read him stories and he asked to do a group hug and I got to feel my unborn daughter kicking around in my wife’s belly and we got him to bed and I just thought, this is a lot to give up. It’s just a lot to give up. These four plus hours I got to spend with my family tonight were filled with the snapshots that I will be looking at fifty years from now.
Before we decided to have children, we always agreed that we didn’t want to totally deny ourselves our dreams and passions and ambitions. I never thought children would, or could, obviate my need for personal fulfillment. But what I didn’t expect is for them to shift my world view as profoundly as they have. I still want to live my life and do great things, but I now question whether sacrificing the time I get to spend with them, which is already so agonizingly scarce, for my own private, selfish needs, is a path I want to walk.
There’s your window into my thoughts for tonight.