I’m only awake right now because I have to wake up early tomorrow and go to boot camp. I don’t have much first hand experience with boot camp except via full metal jacket and my brother’s time in the navy. But i’m pretty confident that tomorrow at six am i will wish that I had never been born.
because what my vast experience has taught me about boot camp is that I will first be broken down by some over-testosteroned burnout of a drill sergeant just so that he can lovingly build me back up into a finely honed killing machine. He only has three days a week for the month of december to do this, by the way. I’m fully prepared for him to call me a maggot and tell me i’m a worthless pile of shit and what’s more, he didn’t know they stacked piles of shit so high. I’m ready for this because I already paid the money required to do it and I just wrote a huge paper for school about how I’m a lazy bum with no self-control. Which means that I can’t just quit before it’s even started.
But I am a little afraid for a couple of things. First of all, I don’t have any shower shoes. What this means is that my only reward for comprehensive humiliation and complete physical exhaustion will be to take a shower barefoot at the work gym, risking contamination from infectious diseases including, but not limited to, athlete’s foot and the clap. (Is there anything more vile than the public shower? Especially if you’re like me and you are repulsed by standing water.) Not only that, but my brother had to run into a house that had tear gas in it when *he* was in boot camp. Which is great, because I love having to sob my eyes out while I’m exercising. Just kidding. I know tear gas doesn’t make you cry.
Another concern I have is that there is a morning and an afternoon time slot for this boot camp, and I am the only one so far who I know has the morning slot. Can you imagine what would happen if I were the only trainee? I can see that drill sergeant licking his chops at the thought of my chubby visage, just waiting to pummel me into submission.
That’s why my action plan right now is to just stay awake as long as possible, because once I go to sleep I’m a blink of an eye away from a total horror show.
To be continued.