I’m in a bad mood today. I’m going to start a new tradition, which is called Make Fun of Texas when I’m in a Bad Mood. So here goes. This is actually the second installment, but when I wrote the first I wasn’t aware that it would catch.
Lately i’ve been seeing a lot of commercials for sandwiches that are made with Texas toast. Of course, texas toast is just regular toast, but bigger. I have a fundamental issue with this. Tied for first in the list of things I hate about Texas is the concept that bigger is better. Texans really believe this is true! Of course, it’s patently false, and if you take one trip to the checkout line at walmart (not that I would ever), you would see that bigger is decidedly *not* always better.
But I also hate this idea that texas toast is a good thing because whatever happened to proportions on a sandwich? If you are looking to maximize your bread intake, why even have a filling to the sandwich? Why not just have toast? Why not just have a loaf of bread? The whole point of a sandwich is that each ingredient should be a constituent part of a whole that is made more delicious by the perfect symphony of all its flavors. Not only do you need every ingredient, but you need each ingredient in the correct amount.
You might ask, but what about double meat? Surely a person of my size would get behind double meat? But you would be WRONG. Double meat is almost as preposterous (but not always because have you ever had a reuben at carnegie deli? $22.95 of blissfully clogged arteries served open-face). One of my closest friends thinks that the idea of double meat on a sandwich is brilliant, that if you love something then you should clearly have as much of it as possible piled on to a sandwich. One other note, just in case you find yourself agreeing with him: he’s a vegan, so he’s clearly lost the plot.
If you’re sitting there thinking that I don’t know what I’m talking about then I submit to you that if you want two pounds of bread on your sandwich then either the sandwich sucks, in which case don’t eat it at all, or you just like the bread too much—in which case just eat the bread.
And texas sucks.