Today some girl at work who is now dead to me shouted at me, as I was walking away from her desk, “What sport do the Cincinnati Bengals play?”
Now there is nothing worse than someone asking you a question so moronic as all her colleagues stare at you for the answer. Is this some sort of a joke? Am I a laughingstock right now? Her colleagues assured me that there was no trick question. I didn’t answer because I am not some trained monkey and I will not be the butt of some big prank.
Turns out she didn’t know. Everyone gave her a hard time about not knowing who the Cincinnati Bengals are and that they play in the NFL and so she tried to find the person least likely of all to know such required man-card information: me.
What, a guy can’t letter in drama in high school and still know the names of all the teams in the nfl? Really? Of all the people who she could have seen to ask, *I* was the person most likely to share her ignorance of all things masculine? I like to tell myself that she only asked me because I stood out in my lilac Façonnable shirt, which people maddeningly refer to as lavender (and even sometimes as-gasp-purple!!) and that it had nothing to do with my lack of manliness.
I am plenty manly, even if-nay, *especially* if viewership of the nfl is the key metric. I was a fan of the Denver Broncos when they were getting trounced in Super Bowl after Super Bowl, a pattern of performance that no doubt was because of those dastardly orange uniforms. (Did anyone really NOT notice that they started *winning* Super Bowls once they got rid of those atrocities?!)
Just because I have renounced all American sports in favor of a true sport, English football, the sport of the Queen herself, doesn’t mean I have left my man card at the table. No sir. Nice try, coworker whose name I now forget, nice try. Next time you want to find the leftmost point on the manliness continuum, you might want to pass right over the guy who can blow the doors off of any karaoke bar with any (any!) of George Michael’s considerable song list (that includes Wham! of *course*). Because this guy is as manly as it gets.