My wife and I had this exceptionally brilliant idea last week, now that we own a Vitamix. We thought that we should definitely have a weekend where all we do is drink juices we make from vegetables and maybe some fruits just tossed in our blender. So this was the weekend.
We wanted to do a three day journey of clean living, and the debate was between starting Friday or ending on Monday. I chose ending on Monday because Mondays typically signify unrelenting hell for five days anyway and Fridays usually mean I go out to lunch at some extravagant place because I’ve braved five days of unrelenting hell. Here’s what the website (based off of Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead—a documentary you can at least find on Netflix) said:
The cleaner your diet is going into the Reboot, the faster you will get to the feel-great phase!
My pregame meal consisted of three Moscow Mules, something that I can’t remember, and two loooooong pours of Scotch. Which, if you had asked me on Friday night, represents the cleanest eating of all.
Then there was Saturday. I woke up early because, despite my pounding head, I had told my wife that I would wake up with the children so that she could sleep in. I made breakfast for my son and starved. In fact, I starved for the whole day. I’m starving now just remembering yesterday morning. First juice was at around 7:30am and it was spinach, apples, carrots, celery, and cucumber. Tasted fine but I was looking for some real food.
@spirit_fingers: First day of my three day juice fast! I just woke up and I want to quit already. #3dayjuicefast
Which is true. I wanted to die and then quit my juice fast.
@spirit_fingers: So it turns out that all of our recreational activities revolve around food. #3dayjuicefast
Also true. And pitiful. We were so bored by not eating. Our kids wake up at 630 (give or take) and go to sleep around 830 (give or take) and apparently 10 of those 14 hours are filled with either planning or eating food. It’s humiliating but effective.
@spirit_fingers: Two hours into the #3dayjuicefast. We have no energy so we are slouched on the couch and the kids are tearing the house apart.
True. I think the kids were about to make the sofa into firewood but I was feeling so depleted morally and emotionally, not to mention the fact that I was too weak to lift a hand.
@spirit_fingers: So far all I’ve gotten from the #3dayjuicefast is the knowledge that I’m weak in spirit.
It’s unfortunate that “weak in spirit” only carries so much weight. Because I am the weakEST in spirit. I am essentially spirit-less. All I wanted to do is curl up in the fetal position and die. My wife gamely prepared food and activities for our kid and I wished for a meteorite.
@spirit_fingers: Wife: this is a dumb idea. #3dayjuicefast (three hours in)
And it was! As usual, she was right.
@spirit_fingers: Disoriented. My mouth won’t stay closed. #3dayjuicefast (three hours in)
You might not know this, but in times of severe energy deprivation, the body is forced to prioritize. Apparently the muscle that keeps your jaw from slacking is extremely low priority, as far as the body is concerned.
@spirit_fingers: At the farmers market. Filled with depression. Otherwise starving. #3dayjuicefast
Your soul also must prioritize the things it wants to concern itself with in times of extreme duress, and all my soul could think of was how sad it was. But also, a distant second, was the gnawing pangs of hunger, exacerbated by the bounty on display at the Irvine farmers market.
@spirit_fingers: Made it to 11:09 [note: 11:09 *am*]! This has been an unqualified success. Even if I were to quit now. #3dayjuicefast
Thank god for honesty. The writing was well and truly on the wall. I am, frankly, aghast that it took me four hours to contemplate the beautiful visage of surrender.
@spirit_fingers: At this exact moment, I’m not that hungry. #3dayjuicefast #win
I had a juice at the farmers market made of beets, oranges, carrots, celery, something else, and a few other things, none of which had any real substance to them. For about ninety seconds, I was not starving.
@spirit_fingers: Okay I’m starving. I wish I were swimming in an ocean of nacho cheese. #3dayjuicefast
I thought about this and it’s patently absurd that I would be swimming in an ocean of nacho cheese without some sort of a conveyance, such as a tortilla chip canoe. With ample extra material—you’re seeing where I’m going here—so that I could break some off and dip it into the nacho cheese ocean and then eat the tortilla chip with nacho cheese. A couple of important notes: first, the cheese should be the iridescent, almost radioactive kind that comes in gallon cans and is served at movie theaters, and second, that I should have a cooler full of jalapeños and ice cold water. And maybe Coke. I used to prefer the smaller, crushed ice, but now I would need to have the larger ice so that it sufficiently cools the Coke but doesn’t water it down at all.
@spirit_fingers: Wife: why do you look so angry? Me: I *am* so angry. #3dayjuicefast
All I could dream about, for some reason, was the hummus we had in our refrigerator. When I opened the fridge, I saw some leftover tabbouleh and mixed it with the hummus in a blind frenzy. Of course I added sriracha. And I ate it with a bell pepper. That may sound to you like the most spartan of meals but to me it felt like my life was one gigantic nerve ending, stimulated raw and firing to exhaustion with every subsequent bite.
Fortunately, my wife and I are a perfect match and she gave in pretty much immediately after. Because I don’t know if I could have sat idly by and watched her suffer through the rest of the weekend. It just is too much deprivation to ask of one person.
The post-mortem of the 3 Day Juice Fast:
Days Committed To: 3
Starting Weight (lbs): 208.4
Hours Before Failure: 4
Number of Tweets Complaining About Task: Between 9-11, depending on what you consider to be complaining
Ending Weight: 210.6
Important facts confirmed about self: 1
And that is how you spell success.